So without further or due, A Letter To My Ex;
Dear Ex,
....How are you? I would say that I miss you but in reality, I don't know you anymore. It's hard for me to have come to that realization and some days I don't like to believe that it's true. I miss the people whom I assumed we would become together. There are days where something reminds me of the people we used to be and it takes all my might not to shoot you a call or a text to tell you. I wonder if things remind you of us too or if I imagined the depth of our friendship in the first place. Far and few between, I dream of you and it feels so real that it has my head fucked the entire day. Either way, you meant a lot to me and in some fucked up way, our "ending" helped me grow as a person but it is time for me to finally move on.
Adele really hit it on the nail when she wrote the song "Hello". Every time that song plays I think of you and wonder....Who are you now? Are you the person that I hoped you would become? Are you happy and fulfilled? Do you enjoy where you are at in life, or are you wishing something/someone would help push you along? Do you think of me too? I have so many questions about your current life that I know I'll never be apart of.
Freshman year was a rough time in college for everyone. We have all this new found freedom, confused about who we are vs. who we want to be, and yet we are constantly pretending to have all of our shit together. It was a pretty screwed up year for the both of us. I needed you and yet for some reason I either didn't have the emotional maturity to tell you this, or you just didn't care. Things ended pretty abruptly in my opinion. We went from talking almost every single day since middle school until it slowed down and came to a complete stop. I suppose in any type of relationship that happens and you have to find a common ground to over come it and know that just because we weren't talking everyday doesn't mean we didn't love each other. One text from you was all it took to shatter the years of friendship we built up and essentially break my heart. We went our separate ways....tried to figure out who we were supposed to become without each other. I thought you were my true soulmate, through thick and thin. We still talked on rare occasion and even saw each other a few times before our breakup was permanent. Maybe we thought that would ease the pain, or maybe we didn't notice that our time together was coming to an end. Either way, it never made it hurt any less.
To this day, I'm not really sure how things ended up this way. To be honest, I felt like I was always the one trying to find the work around to make our get togethers possible. When I stopped trying to make things work, you didn't even attempt to put forth effort. I guess for me that was enough to show me you didn't care as much as I hoped you did. There are days I drive myself crazy asking why you didn't care enough, begging for a definite answer. Was it something I said or didn't say or was the love I thought we had all in my head? Those are the worst days.... where I sit and look you up on every single social media site possible. I scroll through past tweets, or pictures and tell myself you're doing just fine. I'm tired of this sick game I play in my head and want it to come to an end. I guess that's where this letter comes in.
I loved you in the hardest way I ever could have at 18-years-old. But I have to remember that, and so do you. LOVED not LOVE. I'm in love with the memories we shared, and I'm in love with who I thought you and I would become. It's okay for me to love the memories, and it's okay for me to be in love with who we were at 18, but I am not in love with you anymore. How can I be? I don't have the slightest clue of the person you've become. More importantly, I figured out who I want to be and who I am supposed to be without you. That was something I would have never excepted I'd have to do. Maybe our personalities would clash, maybe we could get along or maybe we would have absolutely nothing in common except for our past. We can't live our lives together now based off of reminiscing.
I might still think of you from time-to-time and I will always wish you the best in life. I write this hoping one day it finds you and you will feel the same. I hope our chapter can finally come to a complete close instead of one page left with a bunny ear on it, begging to be opened up again. I know it sounds so cliche but I just hope that you are happy. I'm sad I'm not apart of your life anymore, and I'm sure no matter where you are at in life that I will always be proud of the person you've become. I hope when you think of me you think of all those summer nights we shared together pretending we were invincible and smile. Even though we are apart, our memories will be forever. Eighteen was good to us.
Best Wishes,
Stacey
